Can You Repeat the Question?
by Kamibi
Summary: A collection of pointless Sesshoumaru/Kag one-shots. Some will be humorous, dramatic, adventurous, tragic...Peruse at your own risk. Different ratings for each will appear; none higher than T.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I'm just a poor, innocent, teenager.

Pfft.

Well, even if I'm not that, _per se_, I AM most definitely not the brilliant Rumiko Takahashi, and thus, must settle for pretending to control her colorful characters. So don't sue me, because it's not cool to sue minors with an alliteration fetish.

~Kamibi

Poison

"Ms. Kaede, surely there is something less…juvenile that you can assign us?" Kagome pleaded, concealing her panic. This was _so_ not going to work; nope, not a chance. She was a trained agent, Goddammit, and she was going to have some serious work.

Sesshoumaru spoke up. "Ma'am, you know how impartial this one is towards assignments you give us, but for this mission, I feel that our talents would be more efficiently used elsewhere."

Their commander's eye sparkled as she solemnly replied, "I'm afraid there's nothing else to do right now. Since you two defeated Naraku, crime in the city has gone down to where the highest felon is this one. This is the most difficult task I could possibly give you at the current moment."

They were defeated, and they knew it. Sullenly, the pair signed the contracts that kept the System safe from the political implications of their deaths.

Not like there was really a risk in this case.

_*Can You Repeat the Question?*_

Kids. Kids, everywhere, even where they weren't. Kagome had never felt like her mind was deteriorating so fast, even when the spider hanyou's evil influence hung over their jurisdiction. Her partner leaned coolly against the wall as Kagome attempted to make nice with a child who kept pulling her foot.

"Shippou, sweetie…" she smiled and knelt down to his level. In that moment, she decided, screw nice. The brat was pretty cute, what with his blue baseball cap and lollipop. "_Get lost or I will _make _you lost_," Kagome snarled, too incensed to care about her teammate's quirked brow. Tears threatened to flood from his green eyes, and he sniffled and fled. Satisfied, Kagome raised herself to her proper height with a huff.

"Bullying children now, are we, Higurashi?" Her smug jerk of a colleague intoned in a monotone. If she hadn't been so familiar with him, she wouldn't have caught the nuances of amusement in his speech.

"Shut up," the miko gritted out. "We're supposed to find out whether the birthday kid's biological father pulled another prank on his mom, so let's get to our freakin' work." She stormed away, ignoring Sesshoumaru's laughing aura.

Apparently, an Inuhanyou named Inuyasha had split up with the mom, Kikyou, because she was "too icy." After he left, Kikyou had called the System because she feared her ex would ruin her son's birthday party with one of the pranks he had been inflicting on her recently. Given his "mature" disposition, she didn't blame the poor mom for having her concerns. They were there to make sure nothing went wrong.

Grumbling, Kagome went into the kitchen and stole a slice of cake, which she really wasn't supposed to do, because it hadn't been brought out yet. The snots were still playing games and whatnot.

Whatever; if someone had a problem, they could take it up with her boss. She stuffed cake into her cheeks, somewhat out of character due to the excessive amounts of short people.

_*Can You Repeat the Question?*_

Sesshoumaru peeled himself from the wall, instead using his nose to lead him to anything suspicious. His olfactory senses detected a minor trace of toxic substance somewhere, and he followed it into the kitchen.

_Figures he would target the cake_, he mused, staring at it nonchalantly, before noticing the corner slice missing. A rare grin trespassed on his face, before he smothered it. Leaving the room, he made his way towards his destination, stopping to inform the mother of what her ex-husband had pulled.

He settled down near the door to the bathroom, turning his youki-enhanced faculties off.

They would only hinder him, as he waited for Kagome to get out.

Even without the extra boost to his senses, he was assaulted by a horrible stench.

He chuckled through the pungent aroma wafting from the other side of the wall.

_*Can You Repeat the Question?*_

Oh, God, oh, God, this SUCKED. She clutched her tummy as it gurgled once more, then emptied itself.

Again.

_This is worse than any youkai attack I've ever endured!_ She protested inside her head.

It was like someone stuck the cake knife into her tummy, then twisted it around so that it tied her innards around its blade.

She groaned as another wave of agony hit her.

Damn this stupid party, Damn this "Inuyasha" character, Damn Sesshoumaru and Kaede!

Kagome lost her train of thought in the torrent of pain that overcame her.

_*Can You Repeat the Question?*_

As Kagome emerged from that accursed bathroom, Sesshoumaru delivered the line he had been preparing to use for half an hour.

"I was going to tell you that the cake was poisoned, but something tells me you just found out."

Kagome said he was Number One, but that was _not_ her pointer finger.

Mission completed, they drove back to headquarters with Sesshoumaru in an uncharacteristically good mood.

_*Can You Repeat the Question?*_

**Author's Note:**

**Alright, so I know I should be working on Bird in the White Cage, but this one snuck up on me as I was suffering the consequences of consuming milk, and it helped me forget about how much life sucked. In recognition of that feat, I started a new Sess/Kag one-shot collection.**

**Thanks,**

**~Kamibi**


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I'm just a poor, innocent, teenager.

Pfft.

Well, even if I'm not that, _per se_, I AM most definitely not the brilliant Rumiko Takahashi, and thus, must settle for pretending to control her colorful characters. So don't sue me, because it's not cool to sue minors with an alliteration fetish.

~Kamibi

Savior

Kagome spat a chunk of blood and bile from her mouth, and glared at her enemy with a hate that she had only recently felt.

_Dead…they're all dead…_ her brain was repeating disbelievingly. It couldn't be true. Not after all this, after everything they'd been through, it had to be a lie. It had to be some illusion.

It wasn't real.

It was.

Naraku laughed and taunted her, but she didn't hear him. All she heard was her friends' laughter, her love's insults. All she heard was her kit crying for Kagome to save him from Inuyasha. She heard a little girl who was utterly devoted to the man who had saved her, she heard an annoying kappa who didn't deserve an ending like that. She heard an old woman who had lost so much, yet remained so young.

She heard everyone one of them scream in outrage, fear, and incredulity as, one by one, they fell.

Her eyes were dull, even as she seethed her loathing to the one who claimed them all. She didn't see a silver Inu calmly rid the world of the menace that was the spider hanyou, tossing the completed Shikon no Tama at her. Kagome didn't move a muscle.

_Dead…dead..._

Sesshoumaru glanced at the miko with a bored sort of interest. It looked like she had fallen apart with the trauma of her comrades' deaths. Pity, too. She had seemed so strong.

He sneered. "Miko, get up."

She looked at him.

He looked back.

For some reason, it bothered him to see her so. She was usually as bright and cheerful as his now-departed daughter (he had mourned, but in true Sesshoumaru fashion, reached closure with killing her killer). With her like this, his perception of the world altered. It didn't make sense, and he was _such_ a perfectionist…

Drawing Tenseiga, he vaguely saw the wench's eyes glow with a new hope. As he peered around, he saw that all of their souls had already been delivered by the Pall Bearers. Shame, then; he sheathed his sword, and Kagome's eyes flickered out.

Kagome…yes, that was her name. Intriguing name, too.

He stepped over his half-brother's body, nearly kicked the monk's, passed by the Taijiya's and her pet's, and then reached Kagome.

The cool, collected youkai pulled her by her hand to her feet, where he looked her sternly in the eye, and said, "Kagome, now you bear the weight of their deaths. You must live in the happiness they would have expected to live to make up for what they couldn't achieve. It is your responsibility to be joyful for them."

A load of crap, really, but it worked as her eyes brightened again, and this time, he knew they would remain. This pleased him, and he didn't question it.

He led her away from the gore, and set a pace for his palace. She plodded along after him, silent, but radiating hope.

Kagome stared at his white-clad back in wonder, that he would do so much to liven her up. And he was right; it was her job to go on for them, and have the happiness that they were supposed to. She wasn't done grieving, not by a long shot.

But she was close, thanks to her new companion.

She smiled tentatively, and somewhere else, her loved ones and a small girl smiled back.

**Author's Note:**

**So this one doesn't fit entirely with the title, but I felt like writing a more serious piece…back to chapter seven of Bird! I have inspiration!**

**~Kamibi**


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I'm just a poor, innocent, teenager.

Pfft.

Well, even if I'm not that, _per se_, I AM most definitely not the brilliant Rumiko Takahashi, and thus, must settle for pretending to control her colorful characters. So don't sue me, because it's not cool to sue minors with an alliteration fetish.

~Kamibi

Valentine

The white-haired man stood proudly against the wall, with six of his comrades. He was no elder, nor was he prematurely grayed. His was a bold, elegant, untouchable moon glow that radiated masculine femininity, if there ever was such a thing.

Sneering faces of the rival gang tore into his narrowed, honey-topaz eyes, and, as he glanced around for something beautiful to hold on this one ironic day, he found a dirty little street rat hiding in an alleyway, staring at him with wide, ocean eyes.

Her hair was mangled and sooty, and her face was obscured in layers of dirt. Only a ragged, coarse cloth kept the cold of the late winter from her gaunt frame, and she couldn't have been more than twelve.

But her eyes…those swirling, endless depths of sapphire that bore into his soul and seared their visage into his mind…those eyes were his salvation as the shots rang out and his brothers fell.

By the time his dark angel reached the end of the line, those orbs that he held on to so desperately had overflowed with tears, but she understood enough not to look away. She was all that kept him from ceasing to exist, and dying an empty man.

The urchin's skinny arm came to cover her mouth helplessly, to muffle her strangled cry. In that moment, despite his impending end, despite her age, despite the cruel universe that had warped their entwined fates into a mangled mess of what it was intended to be, the orphan and the dead man fell in love.

As darkness seeped into his sight, the man who killed him left on pounding feet, and people closed their curtains in blatant disregard for the murder, the child appeared in his fading vision, gently holding his face and staring him straight in the eye. He thanked whatever God had damned him that she was his last image of the mortal world.

He passed her by, and the girl straightened, kissing his forehead in a last show of remorse of what was supposed to be, and fled the scene where her soulmate that she had known for all of the time it took for him to die lay still.

Later that day, an angry cook beat her to death for trying to steal his trash, and she eagerly joined her match in the life after, never to part again.

_Valentine_

**Author's Note:**

**On February 14, 1929, seven gang members were killed in what is known as the Valentine's Day Massacre. In memory of the poor, misguided souls who were lost on that day.**

**~Kamibi**


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I'm just a poor, innocent, teenager.

Pfft.

Well, even if I'm not that, _per se_, I AM most definitely not the brilliant Rumiko Takahashi, and thus, must settle for pretending to control her colorful characters. So don't sue me, because it's not cool to sue minors with an alliteration fetish.

~Kamibi

Witch-Chips

"Hah! I _knew _it! You're actually a witch!" the crazy woman he lived with shouted triumphantly, pointing her finger and jumping out from behind a corner.

"Witch?" he replied, disinterestedly.

"I had my suspicions, when you were able to sense me no matter where I went; then, you were able to change the expiration date on the milk, so that I wouldn't drink your dairy. Finally, you're eating the Witch-Chips!" Kagome crooned, flopping down beside him on their old, gingham couch.

"…Witch-Chips?" Sesshoumaru decided that, for now, his curiosity outweighed his disdain for the term.

His girlfriend leaned in closer, and told him in a hushed tone, "Witch chips. The Kettle brand is actually a brand of chips deliciously concocted by Witchy-Witches!"

What the hell?

She nodded eagerly, "Yup! They're made in Salem, Oregon, and their name is 'Kettle,' which is eerily similar to 'Cauldron!' What does that tell you?"

"…That they're made in Salem, and their name is 'Kettle,'" without missing a beat, he continued on to his next point, "Kagome, you do realize that I am a youkai?"

"…Salem is Witch-Town, and Cauldron is the Witch-Object, yes, I know you're youkai."

_Think self-control, don't let your eyebrow twitch, self-control, self-control…_ Sesshoumaru chanted in his head, determined not to let her win, no matter what evil little 'Woman-Scheme' she tried to get him with. It was sure to be complicated, ingenious, and very, very devious.

She blinked blankly at him.

He twitched.

Damn her and her Woman-Schemes.

"Youkai are capable of sensing people _no matter where they are_, you hallucinated about the milk-expiration thing, and _you gave me these chips._" Before she could retaliate, he added in, "And 'witch' is not an adjective, it is a noun!"

Her mouth opened again, and he could tell that she was about to say something obnoxious, so he did the first thing that came to mind.

He stuck a chip in her mouth.

Her eyes went wide with horror, and she gasped, "Oh my Gosh, I'm a witch now!"

"…Kagome, you're a Shinto priestess. You don't even _believe_ in witches, although I can't say I'm surprised, given that you know next to nothing about Youkai…"

She rolled her eyes, then pretended to die on the couch. "Oh, Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo? Save me from my insensitive jerk of a fiancé, Romeo," she cried out, throwing an arm over her eyes dramatically.

"Fiancé?" What was she trying to say?

Kagome peeked out from under her sleeve, grinned, and flipped the bag over on his lap. As he was about to protest, he noticed something shiny on his now-ruined sweatpants.

_Stupid salt and vinegar grease…_

Picking it up and brushing it off, he found it to be an engagement ring, as he had suspected.

"That's the ring I want you to give me tonight when we go to that fancy Italian place at six-thirty," she told him matter-of-factly. Sesshoumaru smiled down at her, in a 'You're such a goofball' face that only she could decipher.

And that was why they were together.

Surreptitiously, she plucked a chip from his lap, popping it into her mouth with a satisfied crunch.

"I thought they were witch chips?"

"Whatever. They taste awesome, for evil, poisonous items crafted by demented women."

Shaking his head, he snuck the ring into his pocket, and finished the spilled mess with Kagome, watching some cartoon all the while.

"Wow, salt-and-vinegar witch-chips are delicious…" she mumbled around a fistful of crumbs.

The strange animal on the screen fell off of a cliff.

_*Can You Repeat the Question*_

**Author's Note:**

**The witch-chip thing came to me as I was eating a bag of Kettle's salt-and-vinegar finest. They're amazing.**

**~Kamibi**


End file.
